Monday, March 23, 2009

just relax and enjoy the flight

Ladies and gentleman we are about to begin boarding for our flight today to Portland

Now boarding group number 1, the rest of you just stand there and enjoy your wait.

… 15 seconds later- last call for all groups on flight x to Portland, just relax and enjoy the line.

Oh, sir your bag is too large, please put this green sticker on it, place it in the side.

Please store you lap top bag under the seat in front of you, so you can have no leg room at all, and try to enjoy the comfort of the flight.

Just so you know you can enjoy more leg room, for 375$ more, so just relax and let us charge you

There are new federal regulations forbidding you placing any items in the pocket in front of you.

So get up and place your book in the over head which is fully jammed , or underneath your seat in front of you which is also jammed.

Please do it before the flight, and make sure you get the 2 passenger next to you to also get up, so you can pass on the way to the over head

The other 2, please stand , relax and enjoy the fact that you can’t sit , till he puts the book in the overhead- but make sure you relax and enjoy the flight.

(this is the end of the month) so please be sure to take our airline brochure, which has no uses what so ever outside the borders of this plane, this will help us keep the plane clean and you can relax at home later and by recycling the magazine.

Please close your cell phones, relax and enjoy the fact that you can do nothing, since your book is in the overhead.

Once we are in the air we will tell you of our estimated arrival time, so you can relax and enjoy the fact that if you knew this info 10 minutes earlier , you might have called someone to let them know.

We just shut down the ac in the plane to get ready for takeoff, but relax and enjoy the heat.

The movie entertainment is about to begin, you may purchase head sets for 3$ or enjoy our upgrade program from 375$ and receive a free head set (and free leg room)

Your wallet is in the bag in the over head, just ask the other 2 passengers to get up and wait… while you enjoy searching in the overhead – where items must have shifted.

You can have a choice of a complimentary beverage (which you enjoy) or enjoy a very overpriced snack pack for 6$, and enjoy going again for your wallet.

You two- seating on his way to the wallet- please stand again and try to enjoy the flight

Wake up sir, the pilot has turned on the seat belt sign so, put your seat belt back on- oh you have them on- sorry, I didn’t see it , because of our useless magazine , which you were reading, since the book was in the overhead, a magazine that you WILL take away, so seat back and re enjoy your nap.

 

Side note- there is a high school rugby movie on right now, and the black guy was just ran over- they always kill the black guy first… even if it is not a war movie- so seat back and enjoy the consistency of Hollywood.

 

“there is a lot of weather ahead of us today” so relax, seat back and try to think how to quantify weather. And how it will affect the landing time, to which you have no one to inform on.

Pss.. can I please go to the bathroom, I was relaxing with to many sodas, so relax and get up, thanks.

Sir, there is no huddling in the corridors, so relax and take your sit. But I haven’t gone…., sir, relax and take your seat.

Pss. Can I reseat myself for a minute- please relax and resume whatever you were doing.

(bath room is free again)… pss can I get up once more… relax and enjoy being asked to be relaxed soon once more…

Ladies and gentleman, please keep your eyes on the TV monitor which will continue to play , while we announce about a turbulence. The movie will continue to play silent till the end of the announcement. It’s a high school rugby movie, and like any other high school sports movie, predictable, so you don’t need to actually listen. So just relax.

According to the pilot “professional opinion” there are turbulences ahead, so sit back, ignore the movie-  look outside, and try to figure out how a turbulence looks like (if you relax real well, you might see it, then relax and try to quantify it). You two, the guy on the isle, and the guy who checked in too late and seating in the middle, try to see the turbulences also , because it is such a big window (relax and don’t worry, Seinfeld  will not sue you for stealing his joke).

We are about to land, so relax and put the magazine in the seat pocket in front of you and all the other items you took the last time you made your neighbors get up. I don’t understand why you have your wallet with you, after the head set and the drinks there are no more items for you to purchase. You two, for some reason you are not relaxed..let him through please… and relax.

According to the new federal regulations there should be no items placed in the seat pocket in front of you- so please store it away as well. But it is your airline magazine. But we have already concluded that you are going to take it home with you, and enjoy not doing anything with it but recycle it. So relax and store it away.

Ok we landed- please relax, and take a lap top beg from leg room in front of you, and don’t forget to relax and take the magazine with you.

Remember to stand outside in the wind and rain and wait for the bag guys to bring the bags- please relax and enjoy the cold.

Remember to take your luggage from the baggage claim, after you relaxed and paid 15$ for before the flight.

 

Relax and thanks for choosing United, we hope you had a pleasant flight and hoping to see you on another relaxing flight soon.

 

p.s – the most of the above (unless in quotations) never took place on a single flight

and sorry, I was relaxed and had nothing better to do J

 

rugby is life, the rest is mere details…I had a T-Shirt that said that…    guess who won the game?

 

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